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When children experience the death of a loved one
they grieve, just as adults do. They may not be able to verbalize
their grief. They may repress their feelings or express them through
their behavior. They may seem not to be affected. They are grieving,
often very deeply.
As parents we often want to protect children from
the pain of grief. Because we have difficulty dealing with death,
we wonder how a young child could possibly cope with it. So we exclude
children. We leave them to answer their own questions as they struggle
to cope with their loss. As a result, many children facing such
a significant loss feel bewildered and abandoned.
Ways to Help Children Cope With Death
- Be direct, simple and honest. Explain truthfully what happened
in terms that children can understand.
- Encourage the child to express feelings openly. Crying is normal
and helpful.
- Accept the emotions and reactions the child expresses. Don't
tell the child how he and she should or should not feel.
- Offer warmth and your physical presence and affection.
- Share your feeling with the child. Allow the child to comfort
you.
- Be patient. Know that children need to hear "the story" and
to ask the same questions again and again.
- Reassure the child that death is not contagious, that the death
of one person does not mean the child or other loved ones will
soon die. Maintain as much order, stability and security in the
child's life as you can.
- Listen to what the child is telling or asking you. Then respond
according to the child's needs.
- Allow the child to make some decisions about participation in
family rituals, i.e., visitation, the funeral, socializing after
the funeral. Be sure to explain in advance what will happen.
- A child's schoolwork or school life may be affected by the
death. The teacher and the school counselor should be made aware
of the situation. If serious problems arise on a constant basis,
professional help should be sought for the child.
Some Behaviors of Grieving Children
Children may react to death in a variety of ways.
Some will experience many of the following reactions, some only a few. Some
will react immediately; some may have very delayed reactions.
- Denial- "My mommy didn't really die." When a child resumes
play immediately or laughs inappropriately it does not mean there
are no feelings. It does mean the loss is simply too difficult to
bear at this moment.
- Anger and Hostility- "How could they die and leave me
here all alone like this?" "Why didn't mommy and daddy take better
care of my baby brother?" "Why did God let my friend die?" Anger
should never be suppressed. It is important to help children
realize they're really angry about the death/loss of their
loved one.
- Guilt- "If I hadn't been such a bad little girl/boy my
mommy wouldn't have died." "I was mad at my brother/sister, that's
why she/he died." Children often believe that something they said
or did may have caused the death. For example, children may believe
that because they did not know CPR they are responsible for the
death. It is very important to be watchful for this kind of guilt
and to assure the child that this is not the case. Double check
to make sure that they understand and believe you.
- Panic- "Who will take care of me now?" When a death has
recently occurred, especially if it is the death of a parent,
common concern among children is whether they will be cared for.
Children need to be reassured that, although something upsetting
has happened and that the adults are perhaps confused and/or agitated, the
children have no need to fear for their safety.
- Clinging or Replacement- "Don't leave me mommy!" "Uncle
Dave, do you love me as much as Daddy did?" Hold them and give
them your love and this will pass.
- Bodily Distress and Anxiety- "I can't sleep." "I feel
sick just like my sister/brother did before she/he died." Keep
your doctor informed about any problems and, with time and caring,
this should also pass.
- Idealization- "Grandpa was perfect." In their eyes and
memory maybe grandpa did seem perfect. This is a common reaction
for us all.
- Assumed Mannerisms- "Don't I sound just like my Daddy?"
All these reactions are very common and should not
cause undue concern unless they continue for several months.
Common Explanations That May Confuse Children
Some of the explanations we use with children can
actually make the grief process more difficult or cause problems
later in life.
- Your mother went on a long journey- "Then why
is everyone crying?" "Why didn't she say good-bye?" "I though
vacation trips were supposed to be fun." "Daddy, please don't
go away." "When will she be back?"
- Your Aunt was sick and had to go to the hospital-
"If I get sick will I go to the hospital and die, too?" "I don't
want my sister to go to the hospital for an operation." "The doctor
is bad. He made Aunt Sue die!"
- It was God's will. God was lonely and wanted your brother.
He was so good that God wanted him in heaven- "I'm lonely
for my brother. I need him more than God does. God is mean!" "If
God wants the good people, I'm going to be as bad as I can. I don't
want to die."
- Your grandfather went to sleep- "I don't want
to go to bed." "I'll make myself stay awake all night so I won't
die too."
With your loving and patient concern, the child
will be better able to work through the grief process and grow,
once again, into a full and healthy life.
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